IDK.

• I live in a state that doesn’t allow you to win anonymously, so the world would know my name. This is the biggest reason.
• People would try to hit me up for money and I would be like NOPE, BYE FOREVER.  
• I’d get really paranoid that anyone who ever talked to me was trying to get something out of me. I’d go crazy and probably alienate everyone, even if they were just being cool.
• I’d lose everyone in my life. Either because they’d understandably feel weird about how I was now royalty-level rich, or because I’d drive them away with my paranoia.
• I’d never leave my mansion. I know I wouldn’t. I already have to force myself to leave my one-bedroom apartment every day. If I never had to leave, I probably wouldn’t because I know myself and I’m messed up like that.
• People would try to kill me. I know they would. I haven’t even won money, just thinking about it has already made me paranoid that someone would kill me and try to take my riches.
• So I’d live in a giant house with a crazy security system and guards and I’d just never leave and never talk to anyone because I wouldn’t have anyone who I could relate to or talk to about things without fear. I’d be a ball of fear and anxiety all the time and with good reason. I’d be anxious for much better reasons than I am now.

Anyway, time to go buy a ticket.

New Year’s is my favorite holiday. You get a day off and you don’t have to give anyone a gift. It’s perfect.

This year, I didn’t waste a lot of time “enjoying myself.” If you were to add up all the hours I spent “having fun,” my guess is they would amount to less than two weeks out of the entire year, and even that seems generous. With a dwindling amount of free time, I’ve been pretty selfish. I’ve become bad at texting friends back and great at ghosting countless suitors. 

The things I’ve learned about change are 1) you can create a lot of it very fast, but the drawback is time will feel like it is going by at warp speed, 2) if you even hesitate to walk directly into the scary, uncomfortable, fiery abyss that leads to change, you will set yourself back even more time, and 3) finding spots in your day to go on autopilot so that you can bank your energy for maximum-change-potential opportunities makes everything feel a little less awful.

As weirdly robotic as my 2015 sounds, I actually feel pretty good about it. Everything I’ve learned has put me in a good position for 2016. I have cool projects coming that seem like they could lead to good things. Who knows, maybe they will result in me having as much as three weeks worth of fun this year.

Have a ton of money.

The end.

I love New Years and I love resolutions. There’s something symbolic about the start of a new year that fills me with introspection and makes me feel like anything is possible. Here are some things I would like to aim for this year:

• Make a dent in my student loans
  
• Get Lasik vision correction
  
• Stop eating Quest bars for dinner
  
• Find out what a burpee is and then do one
  
• Put up a few new sketches at UCB
  
• Humiliate and emotionally destroy anyone who has ever wronged me
  
• Find the best health insurance for my cat
  

You give your package to a mail place and tell them what day you want it delivered within the next month. 

Example: It’s December 7th and I want this to be delivered to my dad on December 23rd. You guys can just hold onto it and send it on whatever day will get it there by the 23rd. Then I am free to live my life without possibly forgetting to send it or accidentally sending it too late. 

When I was a kid all I did was obsess over bad things happening. I was afraid of getting older because it felt like so much more awful stuff could happen to you. I mostly grew out of it, but lately I feel it creeping back in. There are so many bad things that could happen to me or the people I love and there’s nothing I can do about it. I am just a passenger on a ride and the only thing I can control is how I react to whatever comes my way. That seems harder and harder. There are worse things than death and feeling scared is one of them. 

Now, it feels like I’m looking at my 8-year-old self and saying, “Oh hell yeah you are right to be scared! In fact, you should be grateful to only feel as scared as you do now, because so much more shit is coming that you don’t even know about yet.” Then, I worry that future me will look back at this-aged me and say the exact same thing. Then, I take a Valium.